I'm not breaking up with you...

But I AM starting a new blog! I promise, it's nothing personal. In fact, I'm planning to keep this one around for the rare cases when I just need to get something off my chest, but I don't want everyone in the world to read it. The new blog will be more public in nature, so I might not bare my soul quite as much. But I think it will be good, and worth reading. So please, friends, check out my new blog and leave me comments so I feel loved!

Here it is: www.quarterlifecreation.wordpress.com

A little something

Life has been wonderful lately. I went to Portland last weekend and felt so at home. I got to spend lots of chill Portlandy time with Jess and Karli, and be with Peter and Lisa on the day of their wedding, which was one of the most beautiful, memorable evenings I have been a part of.

Also, I feel pretty. That's nice.

Also, I've got lots of fun things planned for this weekend, including happy hour with Neesha, a sleepover with Eva, a tea party with some of the women from my small group, henna-ing my hair with Noree, and making lots of pies on Sunday with my entire small group. Basically, it's going to be a good couple of days.

Also, like 5 different people have told me I'm "glowing." I love hearing that because I feel so light, so joyful, and I want people to know it. I'm not a victim. I'm not defeated. I'm exuberant.

Hell yes.

Catharsis

I am in need of a good cry for no big reason, but a bunch of small ones. The problem is, lately I can't cry very easily. I have always been a pretty emotional person, and generally very open with my feelings. I never understood people who protected those parts of themselves or were "jaded," because I never felt that way. But over the past year the hurt in my life reached a crucially deep point within me, which is too tender to touch without extreme caution. So in order to access the pent up sadness, something silly has to happen, like stubbing my toe or watching a sappy movie. Then, once I can trick one tear into falling, the floodgates open and the loss, betrayal, disappointment, abuse all come out. It's not pretty, and it usually puts me out of commission for the rest of the day, but I always feel better afterward.

Anyway, right now I'm at work and I definitely can't let it all hang out. But sometimes just naming the problem is helpful, so here are the small things that are (cumulatively) making me want to cry:

1. My sleep schedule is weird now that I'm back to starting work at noon every day. Too much sleep makes me feel lazy, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me sit around and watch TV, thus compounding the feeling of laziness, et cetera.

2. I need a hug. From a male person. I get woman hugs all the time, and I have wonderful friends of both sexes, but the men are all married to my female friends, and they are pretty careful with their boundaries, which I completely respect, but which still leaves me feeling like I need a hug from someone bigger and stronger than me. Man hugs are just more comforting.

3. I want to go on a date. I want something to do on a Friday night. I want someone to buy me dinner or a drink or a movie ticket. I want an excuse to do my hair and be complimented on my dress. I want all these things, and yet in my heart I know I'm not ready for anything more than one or two dates, and I don't really know how to go on one or two dates without entering into a "relationship," so dating is probably not in the cards for me yet.

4. Combining numbers 2 and 3, I just want some attention. There, I said it. It's a little embarrassing to admit that that's what's going on, but it's the truth. I want someone to think I'm pretty and interesting. I walk out the door most days feeling pretty good about myself, and come home a little deflated because it seems no one has noticed. Sigh. I know it's not about what other people think of me, yadda yadda yadda, but when you've spent the last 4 years with someone who really DIDN'T think you were that beautiful, interesting, fun, etc., you're bound to have some identity issues.

5. This weekend I had a wonderful conversation with an old friend that I thought I'd lost due to a family falling out. This was a good, beautiful, healing thing, but it still makes me want to cry just a little bit, because we lost so much over the past 5 years. I still love her family, too, even though they don't speak to me. It was incredibly healing to talk about it.

6. I am stressed out at work.

7. The weather is changing and it's getting dark a lot earlier which makes it harder for me to go to the gym. Exercise is very important for my mental health, and I haven't been very consistent lately.

Okay, that's it. I've got a lot to do today so I'm not even going to proofread this one before publishing it. I feel a little better, having written it all down. Thank you, blog.

MUSIC!!!!

I've got a ridiculously huge, goofy grin on my face right now, and it's because music is so freaking powerful. I just created a crazy awesome playlist, especially if you're doing something boring at work, cleaning your house, or maybe going to the gym. If you're doing one of those things, this is the playlist you need:

1. Paper Airplanes - M.I.A.

2. Battlefield - Jordin Sparks

3. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z

4. My Chick Bad - Ludacris (okay so this one is pretty dirty, but listen to it while workin' it on the elliptical and you'll get it)

5. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

6. Hey Ya - Outkast

7. Forever - Chris Brown

8. Amazing - Kanye West

9. Sweet Dreams - Beyonce

10. Weapon of Choice - Fatboy Slim

10. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings

Typically hip hop isn't my thing, but today it's really hitting the spot.

(Seriously...listen to these songs. They'll turn your day around.)

I know this is irreverent, but

I got divorced today. And this is how I felt about it:

Basically, happy. It's a good day. I'm a free woman and it feels great. I was jittery this morning, and it's been weighing on me pretty heavily all weekend, but it went very smoothly and now that it's done, the sky's the limit for my life.

Now I think I'll go pop open the bottle of champagne I've been saving for this day.

Walking

Six years ago, God gave me a theme. A mission. A message.

Here it is: hope. This is the purpose of my life, the song of my heart.

A few weeks ago I saw an image in my mind to describe what is happening in my life. I was walking down a wooded path, and lining the way there were crowds of people grasping at me, trying to hurt me. They shouted and threw things at me. But every stone or insult they threw missed me because there was a barrier surrounding me. They couldn't see it but I could feel it, and see it. It was like a light in the valley of the shadow of death--I shone, and could not be touched. They weren't aware of my protection, and so they kept trying to hit me, but I knew that all I had to do was keep walking the path with my eyes fixed ahead, and no harm would come to me.

I have such joy, and such assurance of my future. "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." I know this to be true: hope in him does not disappoint.

Observe the process

Three months have passed, and I so furiously want to be okay; healed; whole. And yet I find myself going through life with a gaping hole in my stomach. Bleeding out.

I am walking wounded.

Grief, as we've all heard, comes in stages. Denial is first, followed immediately by anger. Sure enough, I spent the past few months thinking I was relatively okay; this was hard, sure, but I was already feeling so much better! I was praised for being "strong" and for having such a wise perspective. But now I've turned a corner and, as the stages predicted, I am livid. I am beyond angry--I am a tornado, a hurricane. I could stand on the edge of a canyon and scream and my fury could fill the gap and still not be exhausted. I have been wronged. I have been abused. I have been deceived by the very person I trusted most.

Each day I awake to a new kind of life, a new freedom, and yet each day brings a more searing rage than the one before. Each step toward new life makes me more fully aware of the wrong that has been done to me. As the numbness wears off, I experience both agony and joy. No moment is tame or safe; it's either exquisite or excruciating.

According to the literature, the next steps are bargaining, depression, and acceptance. That makes sense but frankly, I'd rather just skip to the end. That's the point when you realize that you can't change the circumstance, and you come to terms with it. So why do I have to go through two more steps to get there? I want to be better now, damnit! He doesn't deserve my grief, the lowlife! And yet, this is where I am. Stage two. Anger. I can't rush it, I can't control it, I can only observe the process and try to learn as I go. I can't promise to do this gracefully but I am hanging onto the hope that one day this will be done, and I will begin to feel like a normal person again.