"In a Graveyard"

Things are weird, but Rufus Wainwright makes everything better. And so do hot showers. The two combined could pretty much soothe any heartache, I believe.

I am blessed.

This is true.

Things that are new and good

1. Josh and I found a counselor and went to our first session. He seems wonderful. He also told us he thinks we're doing okay--but that through this process we can get better and healthier, which is exactly what we're hoping to do. I'm glad we didn't wait 7 years before dealing with these things (the average time a couple waits from the time things get difficult to the time they seek help).

2. I took down the Christmas decorations and I am now in the process of finding places for all of our new stuff from Ikea, antique stores, and The Unified Groove Merchant (most awesome store in Spokane). Our apartment is starting to feel like a home that reflects who we are.

3. Beethoven's 9th Symphony is beautiful. Well...that's not new--it's been around for a couple hundred years. But we went to hear it last night at the Fox and it was gorgeous, and perfectly appropriate for welcoming a new year.

4. I was sick the last few days, which wasn't fun, but it did give me two days off work, which means I essentially have a 5 day weekend. And I'm feeling well enough now that I can be productive and enjoy being home.

5. I'm not making any resolutions this year, because I feel like I'm already working on several things in my life and I don't need to add more to the list.

Lists help me organize my mind. So there you have it. Happy new year, everyone!

Forward motion

Today Josh and I went to a local credit union to apply for a loan to cover the debt we owe our college, so that he can finally finish his last semester of school. It sounds like our chances of getting the loan are good, but the monthly payment would be very high...much higher than I thought we could afford. Then I looked at my bank account and realized that I have been spending SO MUCH money every month on stupid stuff like lattes, frivolous things from Target, and fast food dinners.

So here's what's going to happen: We're going to get that loan. We are going to stop spending money unnecessarily. Josh is going to register for classes. We will finally move on with our lives.

:-)

Hope

Yesterday I put up our Christmas decorations. There aren't many--just a lot of ornaments given to me by my parents over the past 20 years, plus a nativity set we got as a wedding gift. I don't need a lot of junk around, but I like that our apartment feels cozy and Christmasy now. Plus, I bought Amahl and the Night Visitors on iTunes and listened to it three times yesterday....so that helps too.

Here's how I am: I am loved. I am healing. I am learning that pain has the ability to stretch me and form quiet depths in my soul, which I can draw on when my strength is waning. Love is not easy, but I'm finding that it is much better to be wounded and broken but to be facing each other, struggling toward each other, than it would be to remain isolated from each other and numb to the pain, passively drifting apart.

I'm also learning that courage isn't always loud or bold...sometimes it means diving into your weakness and facing the worst parts of yourself. Being vulnerable and trusting that you will be accepted even in your brokenness...and that if you aren't, you have the ability within you to survive.

We will endure. We will heal. We will find greater joy in each other, and we will look back on this as the beginning of a new life.

............

Here it is: the promised update.

It's been a very weird week. Someone I care about a lot expressed concerns/complaints about me in an extremely hurtful way last week, and I haven't been able to shake it off since. I would love to write off the entire conversation as mean-spirited and unnecessary, but many of the things that were said are areas I really do need to work on, in spite of the fact that I was deeply wounded by the way they were brought up. So now I'm stuck trying to simultaneously forget about it and learn from it--not easy to do.

The strangest part is that on the surface, everything has returned to normal. There's laughter, fun, normal daily routines...I'm just a little depressed underneath it all, and small bumps in the road keep turning into major catastrophes in my head.

I don't want to be melodramatic, and I hope I'm not doing that. The honest truth, though, is that I'm struggling. I know things will get better soon. I know it's going to be fine eventually. But it's not fine now, and that's just how it is. I'm trying to learn to be present in the moment and not force myself to heal too fast, but also cope with my daily life effectively. I have to go to work; I have to pay the bills; I have to wash the dishes...breathe in, breathe out.

That's life right now. Taking breaths, going through the motions, coping the best that I can.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

New post coming soon

My thoughts have been a little jumbled lately, and I've had trouble putting them into words. But I really need to do that, so I promise to write a real blog within the next few days. I'll try for tonight. I'm pretty much just writing this so that I feel accountable to do that. So...there you go. I'll be back soonish.