Soul photos

Let's remember...

Guess what?

I like myself.

I am strong. I'm making it through this hellishly awful part of my life, and I'm holding my head high. These photos remind me of the person I really am. I don't have to identify with any of the lies I've been told, or lose myself in another person's twisted view of me anymore. It's just...good. Hard, but good.

There is still joy. There is ALWAYS joy.

Can I just say this?

Women are just as capable of being effective in ministry as men. And in my opinion there is very little biblical grounds for excluding women from church leadership. And I am shocked that so many evangelical churches still make this distinction. It's complete crap.

I'm pissed in general, and this is the thing my pissed-ness is landing on today.

It's also landing on Mark Driscoll, for similar reasons...but that happens a lot. Not a fan.

............

I talked to my mom a couple of minutes ago and she said it's like I'm having the longest period of my life--I'll be PMSing for months. So...sorry if I ever yell at you. It probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with a certain person who happens to be in the process of exiting my life as we speak.

I think it's time to shut my mouth now and return to my glass of wine and my meaningless TV show. There is no possible way Dancing With the Stars will ever offend me, and for that I am thankful. ABC, your shallow programming is kind of saving my life right now.

Here is what I have to say:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Seriously. I could probably scream all day and still have some that needed to come out. There's just no possible way to express it all.

It's been a while, blog. I kind of miss you, but you also stress me out a bit with all your pressure to be deep and reflective. And sometimes I just don't have the energy for that, okay? OKAY? Okay. Luckily, today is the last day of my work week and I intend to give myself a hermit weekend with no social time whatsoever, and I'm thinking I may just be able to get myself into the right mental space to write a little about this crazy month. No promises, though.

I am in the palm of His hand.

It's been difficult to reflect lately. Too many days where things are "good" or "fine," or even "happy," bookmarked with days of utter chaos and hurt. I haven't been able to make sense of it in my own mind, much less formulate it into words that would make sense to others. So for now, here's what you should know: I'm living every day as it comes, which means I don't have a very firm grip on my own state of mind. I am very confused, and certainly going through the hardest time of my life. But I am strong, and I am supported by the most amazing group of people on the planet. I am not now, nor will I ever be, a victim. But sometimes life is really stinking hard, and this is one of those times. I appreciate each person who reads this and cares, and I appreciate all those who hold me up when I can hardly stand on my own. Thank you.

Reasons I love going home

1. There is tea, and I can drink it at the kitchen island, just like I used to drink my milk after school growing up.

2. The dog, Ella, stands on her front two paws when she pees. Both back feet in the air.

3. Mom and I can go grocery shopping and have more fun than anyone else would doing something so ordinary.

4. Dad can listen and give hugs and advice without a hint of judgement, no matter what.

5. "The Mountain" (Mt. Rainier) is beautifully powerful and it is the first sight that tells me I'm home.

It's a good place. It heals me minute by minute.

On Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

This poem contains more truth for me today than it did the last time I picked it up.

Indeed, we were born together, and together we shall be forevermore. Linked eternally.

In another chapter of The Prophet (On Love), Kahlil Gibran says that if you choose to live without love "you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears." In other words, love carries with it the extremes of human emotion--the highest highs and the lowest lows.

We joined together with such idealism and boundless love in our hearts. We celebrated our new life, and caught glimpses of a bright future together. We did not know how we would be tested. Marriage was created to be a reflection of the perfect love of God, and yet it must be lived out by people who are so far from that ideal. We are broken. We are selfish. We hurt each other.

As the prophet says, we need each other, but not for every breath. We must give to each other, but not lose ourselves in the process.

There is so much work to do, and the task feels awfully daunting...but today I choose to trust that there are untapped depths of love and grace that will spring from the ground and cover our steps as we journey together.