Catharsis

I am in need of a good cry for no big reason, but a bunch of small ones. The problem is, lately I can't cry very easily. I have always been a pretty emotional person, and generally very open with my feelings. I never understood people who protected those parts of themselves or were "jaded," because I never felt that way. But over the past year the hurt in my life reached a crucially deep point within me, which is too tender to touch without extreme caution. So in order to access the pent up sadness, something silly has to happen, like stubbing my toe or watching a sappy movie. Then, once I can trick one tear into falling, the floodgates open and the loss, betrayal, disappointment, abuse all come out. It's not pretty, and it usually puts me out of commission for the rest of the day, but I always feel better afterward.

Anyway, right now I'm at work and I definitely can't let it all hang out. But sometimes just naming the problem is helpful, so here are the small things that are (cumulatively) making me want to cry:

1. My sleep schedule is weird now that I'm back to starting work at noon every day. Too much sleep makes me feel lazy, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me sit around and watch TV, thus compounding the feeling of laziness, et cetera.

2. I need a hug. From a male person. I get woman hugs all the time, and I have wonderful friends of both sexes, but the men are all married to my female friends, and they are pretty careful with their boundaries, which I completely respect, but which still leaves me feeling like I need a hug from someone bigger and stronger than me. Man hugs are just more comforting.

3. I want to go on a date. I want something to do on a Friday night. I want someone to buy me dinner or a drink or a movie ticket. I want an excuse to do my hair and be complimented on my dress. I want all these things, and yet in my heart I know I'm not ready for anything more than one or two dates, and I don't really know how to go on one or two dates without entering into a "relationship," so dating is probably not in the cards for me yet.

4. Combining numbers 2 and 3, I just want some attention. There, I said it. It's a little embarrassing to admit that that's what's going on, but it's the truth. I want someone to think I'm pretty and interesting. I walk out the door most days feeling pretty good about myself, and come home a little deflated because it seems no one has noticed. Sigh. I know it's not about what other people think of me, yadda yadda yadda, but when you've spent the last 4 years with someone who really DIDN'T think you were that beautiful, interesting, fun, etc., you're bound to have some identity issues.

5. This weekend I had a wonderful conversation with an old friend that I thought I'd lost due to a family falling out. This was a good, beautiful, healing thing, but it still makes me want to cry just a little bit, because we lost so much over the past 5 years. I still love her family, too, even though they don't speak to me. It was incredibly healing to talk about it.

6. I am stressed out at work.

7. The weather is changing and it's getting dark a lot earlier which makes it harder for me to go to the gym. Exercise is very important for my mental health, and I haven't been very consistent lately.

Okay, that's it. I've got a lot to do today so I'm not even going to proofread this one before publishing it. I feel a little better, having written it all down. Thank you, blog.