Friday, December 4, 2009

Forward motion

Today Josh and I went to a local credit union to apply for a loan to cover the debt we owe our college, so that he can finally finish his last semester of school. It sounds like our chances of getting the loan are good, but the monthly payment would be very high...much higher than I thought we could afford. Then I looked at my bank account and realized that I have been spending SO MUCH money every month on stupid stuff like lattes, frivolous things from Target, and fast food dinners.

So here's what's going to happen: We're going to get that loan. We are going to stop spending money unnecessarily. Josh is going to register for classes. We will finally move on with our lives.

:-)

Monday, November 30, 2009

Hope

Yesterday I put up our Christmas decorations. There aren't many--just a lot of ornaments given to me by my parents over the past 20 years, plus a nativity set we got as a wedding gift. I don't need a lot of junk around, but I like that our apartment feels cozy and Christmasy now. Plus, I bought Amahl and the Night Visitors on iTunes and listened to it three times yesterday....so that helps too.

Here's how I am: I am loved. I am healing. I am learning that pain has the ability to stretch me and form quiet depths in my soul, which I can draw on when my strength is waning. Love is not easy, but I'm finding that it is much better to be wounded and broken but to be facing each other, struggling toward each other, than it would be to remain isolated from each other and numb to the pain, passively drifting apart.

I'm also learning that courage isn't always loud or bold...sometimes it means diving into your weakness and facing the worst parts of yourself. Being vulnerable and trusting that you will be accepted even in your brokenness...and that if you aren't, you have the ability within you to survive.

We will endure. We will heal. We will find greater joy in each other, and we will look back on this as the beginning of a new life.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

............

Here it is: the promised update.

It's been a very weird week. Someone I care about a lot expressed concerns/complaints about me in an extremely hurtful way last week, and I haven't been able to shake it off since. I would love to write off the entire conversation as mean-spirited and unnecessary, but many of the things that were said are areas I really do need to work on, in spite of the fact that I was deeply wounded by the way they were brought up. So now I'm stuck trying to simultaneously forget about it and learn from it--not easy to do.

The strangest part is that on the surface, everything has returned to normal. There's laughter, fun, normal daily routines...I'm just a little depressed underneath it all, and small bumps in the road keep turning into major catastrophes in my head.

I don't want to be melodramatic, and I hope I'm not doing that. The honest truth, though, is that I'm struggling. I know things will get better soon. I know it's going to be fine eventually. But it's not fine now, and that's just how it is. I'm trying to learn to be present in the moment and not force myself to heal too fast, but also cope with my daily life effectively. I have to go to work; I have to pay the bills; I have to wash the dishes...breathe in, breathe out.

That's life right now. Taking breaths, going through the motions, coping the best that I can.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

New post coming soon

My thoughts have been a little jumbled lately, and I've had trouble putting them into words. But I really need to do that, so I promise to write a real blog within the next few days. I'll try for tonight. I'm pretty much just writing this so that I feel accountable to do that. So...there you go. I'll be back soonish.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Our apartment


Okay. I love our apartment. Really love it. Want to see it? Here it is (minus the rooms that were too messy to be photographed):


(living room)
















(dining room)
























(bedroom)

Ta da! Yep, it's wonderful. Also, I have no idea how to place the photos where I want them on blogspot...oh well.
See those two awesome bright-colored canvases sitting on top of my dresser? I found that fabric at this fabric shop in Spokane called The Top Stitch, stretched it over some canvases I already had, and voila! Wall decor. The Top Stitch does sewing classes every month too and I think I just might sign up for a beginning one. I'd like to be able to make my own stuff, and it seems like they cater to the young, hip crowd, so they may be able to teach me how to make things I actually want to keep. I am excited.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Marriage

It's been a fascinating year. Josh and I got married on July 12, 2008, and so far it's been pretty amazing, with some distinct rough patches to give it some "character" (Shabby chic is cool, right? My, our marriage is so fashionable!).

I view marriage almost as a living organism, independent from the two of us. We talk about "our marriage" as if it were a third party that needs constant attention. We check in on it often, find out how it's doing, what we can do to more thoroughly satisfy its needs. Each of us may be happy with our jobs, our activities, our friends, and everything else in our individual lives, but if we haven't spent enough time paying attention to our marriage, things get seriously off-kilter.

Marriage is the best gift I've ever received, and it's still a huge mystery to me. Josh and I are vastly different from each other in terms of personality, which makes things difficult at times, but mostly it allows us to fill in each other's gaps and shortcomings. When I need to lighten up, he's silly; when he lacks motivation, I give him a push in the right direction. I don't really understand how it has worked out so well, but I'm thankful for the mysterious, almost supernatural quality of this relationship.

Marriage is also hard. Never before have my faults been so clear to me; my pride, stubbornness, capacity for grudge-holding, perfectionism...rarely does Josh actually point these things out to me, but they become evident to me when I see his humility, flexibility, graciousness, and laid back nature. He has faults of his own, of course, but when it comes down to it, I've struggled with myself much more than I've struggled with him. I've struggled to let go when I think I'm right, to sacrifice more of myself, to value his well-being as much as I value my own. To be honest, I'm not sure I've made much progress in any of those areas, but the growth has begun. This is what makes the whole marriage experience both so difficult and so important. It is chiseling away my imperfections and turning me into a person I never could have become without the constant rub of my husband's presence.

I'm thankful for the past year. I'm thankful for where we are today, and for where we will be next year. And I'm so thankful that God gives us the ability to be better together than we would be apart.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Fall in Spokane

October is my favorite month to live in Spokane, by far. Today is October 1st and so far the month hasn't let me down; today's high was 58 degrees, I am wearing my favorite scarf, and I bought a cinnamon dolce latte from Starbucks (not that I haven't been doing that all summer in hopes that it might bring the fall weather a little earlier...).

Tomorrow I'm going to spend the whole day cooking and baking, and it's going to be glorious. I'm usually not too crazy about cooking, but my love for fall tends to make me a little obsessive about all things homey. I've been knitting and I also have this burning desire to sew things and set the table for dinner with candles and pretty napkins. Anyway, I intend to take advantage of my weekend by making the most delicious butternut squash bisque ever, and tons of zucchini bread. I bought a gigantic zucchini at Green Bluff this weekend (also very fall-ish; we had pumpkin donuts and apple cider and rode the Fruit Loop Express), so I could very seriously spend the entire day baking and cooking, just to use it up. I'm not kidding. It's the size of one of Josh's calves.

In other news, I have lost 13 pounds in the past month, and i feel awesome. For the first time in almost a year, I actually feel attractive. I've still got another 12 pounds to go before I reach my goal, but I already feel a million times better than I did. My current goal is to look awesome in my maid--er, matron--of honor dress for Jamie's wedding in a little over a week.

That's it for now. Making small steps toward being a regular blogger.

"Letting loose" my way

When it comes down to it, I tend to overanalyze most parts of my life, including this blog. I get myself all worked up about what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it, and how it could never possibly be as profound and unique as my dear friend Jessica's blog (among others). However, I've had a pretty large beer, so I'm going to take this opportunity to spill whatever I'm thinking, in the hopes that I might be less uptight about this thing in the future.
Here are my thoughts:

1. I like lists--especially ones with numbers. They help me make sense of things. I've never been good with grey areas, and I guess transitioning between thoughts might fall into that category. Numbers do the transitioning for you.
2. I am so incredibly blessed to have the friends that I do. In the next 8 months, I get to be a bridesmaid in the weddings of two of my most wonderful longtime friends; plus, for my birthday I get to spend a weekend in Portland with 3 of the people I love most in the world. I especially love that I've reached a point with each of them where I know we'll be friends for the rest of our lives, even when life gets busy and we don't call each other as often as we should.
3. I'm not good at letting go. I want to be perfect--I want every word coming out of my mouth to be the right word, to be the best at everything I do, to be profound and funny at the same time, to have total control of my life at all times. I am learning that not only is this impossible, but it's really not helping me be a healthier person. Working on that.
4. I am not very creative, but I surround myself with creative people. I love my friends who have few inhibitions, who create art, who say things they shouldn't, who do random things on a whim...even though I may not always understand or choose to participate.

That's it for tonight. I think Josh accidentally fell asleep on the couch, so i should probably get ready for bed. It's almost 1:30 A.M. anyway. I promise to come back soon.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Apartment Hunting

I started this blog several months ago with every intention of updating it regularly, but have struggled to find chunks of time to sit down, reflect, and write. I feel that this is something my life needs, however, so I hereby renew my resolution to keep up this blog. There. You have it in writing.

With that said, you might like to know what is happening in the world of Delynn. The most concise answer answer would be apartments. Apartments are what is happening. My life, for the past several weeks, has been consumed with Craigslist ads, e-mails, phone calls, and viewings.

We're looking for a new place because our current one is very nice, but costs more than we can responsibly afford to pay for rent. We've truly loved living here, but with our lease term ending this month, it's time for us to find a more affordable living situation.

After many discouraging viewings, Josh and I finally came upon an apartment yesterday that we absolutely love. It has its drawbacks (small kitchen and bathroom, no dishwasher, across town from my work), but its hardwood floors, spacious rooms, and unbelievable views more than make up for them. We turned in our application today, so now we're just waiting to find out whether we can call this place "home." I really hope this works out. Wish us luck!















The insanely awesome view of St. John's Cathedral from the dining room window:


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Floating

I feel somewhat ungrounded these days. I need a lot more journaling, a lot more heart-to-hearts with friends, a lot more time in the sun, a lot more prayer. A lot more "me" time that isn't spent watching television shows on my laptop to relax.

Staying in Spokane after graduation has been a bit of a mixed experience. I enjoy my job and am grateful to have it, and I am truly beginning to love the city. But in certain ways I feel left behind. So many of my college friends have moved away and continued their lives in other cities, with other people, and I'm torn between wishing I could be with them and wishing I had found my own new community somewhere else.

I have decided, in response to this (since I can't move to Portland tomorrow), to pursue friendships here in Spokane with more intentionality (is that a word? Maybe it's just intention). I'm going to override my own insecurities and seek out the community that I need. Maybe there are others here who need it too.

God, give me gumption.