I'm not breaking up with you...

But I AM starting a new blog! I promise, it's nothing personal. In fact, I'm planning to keep this one around for the rare cases when I just need to get something off my chest, but I don't want everyone in the world to read it. The new blog will be more public in nature, so I might not bare my soul quite as much. But I think it will be good, and worth reading. So please, friends, check out my new blog and leave me comments so I feel loved!

Here it is: www.quarterlifecreation.wordpress.com

A little something

Life has been wonderful lately. I went to Portland last weekend and felt so at home. I got to spend lots of chill Portlandy time with Jess and Karli, and be with Peter and Lisa on the day of their wedding, which was one of the most beautiful, memorable evenings I have been a part of.

Also, I feel pretty. That's nice.

Also, I've got lots of fun things planned for this weekend, including happy hour with Neesha, a sleepover with Eva, a tea party with some of the women from my small group, henna-ing my hair with Noree, and making lots of pies on Sunday with my entire small group. Basically, it's going to be a good couple of days.

Also, like 5 different people have told me I'm "glowing." I love hearing that because I feel so light, so joyful, and I want people to know it. I'm not a victim. I'm not defeated. I'm exuberant.

Hell yes.

Catharsis

I am in need of a good cry for no big reason, but a bunch of small ones. The problem is, lately I can't cry very easily. I have always been a pretty emotional person, and generally very open with my feelings. I never understood people who protected those parts of themselves or were "jaded," because I never felt that way. But over the past year the hurt in my life reached a crucially deep point within me, which is too tender to touch without extreme caution. So in order to access the pent up sadness, something silly has to happen, like stubbing my toe or watching a sappy movie. Then, once I can trick one tear into falling, the floodgates open and the loss, betrayal, disappointment, abuse all come out. It's not pretty, and it usually puts me out of commission for the rest of the day, but I always feel better afterward.

Anyway, right now I'm at work and I definitely can't let it all hang out. But sometimes just naming the problem is helpful, so here are the small things that are (cumulatively) making me want to cry:

1. My sleep schedule is weird now that I'm back to starting work at noon every day. Too much sleep makes me feel lazy, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me sit around and watch TV, thus compounding the feeling of laziness, et cetera.

2. I need a hug. From a male person. I get woman hugs all the time, and I have wonderful friends of both sexes, but the men are all married to my female friends, and they are pretty careful with their boundaries, which I completely respect, but which still leaves me feeling like I need a hug from someone bigger and stronger than me. Man hugs are just more comforting.

3. I want to go on a date. I want something to do on a Friday night. I want someone to buy me dinner or a drink or a movie ticket. I want an excuse to do my hair and be complimented on my dress. I want all these things, and yet in my heart I know I'm not ready for anything more than one or two dates, and I don't really know how to go on one or two dates without entering into a "relationship," so dating is probably not in the cards for me yet.

4. Combining numbers 2 and 3, I just want some attention. There, I said it. It's a little embarrassing to admit that that's what's going on, but it's the truth. I want someone to think I'm pretty and interesting. I walk out the door most days feeling pretty good about myself, and come home a little deflated because it seems no one has noticed. Sigh. I know it's not about what other people think of me, yadda yadda yadda, but when you've spent the last 4 years with someone who really DIDN'T think you were that beautiful, interesting, fun, etc., you're bound to have some identity issues.

5. This weekend I had a wonderful conversation with an old friend that I thought I'd lost due to a family falling out. This was a good, beautiful, healing thing, but it still makes me want to cry just a little bit, because we lost so much over the past 5 years. I still love her family, too, even though they don't speak to me. It was incredibly healing to talk about it.

6. I am stressed out at work.

7. The weather is changing and it's getting dark a lot earlier which makes it harder for me to go to the gym. Exercise is very important for my mental health, and I haven't been very consistent lately.

Okay, that's it. I've got a lot to do today so I'm not even going to proofread this one before publishing it. I feel a little better, having written it all down. Thank you, blog.

MUSIC!!!!

I've got a ridiculously huge, goofy grin on my face right now, and it's because music is so freaking powerful. I just created a crazy awesome playlist, especially if you're doing something boring at work, cleaning your house, or maybe going to the gym. If you're doing one of those things, this is the playlist you need:

1. Paper Airplanes - M.I.A.

2. Battlefield - Jordin Sparks

3. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z

4. My Chick Bad - Ludacris (okay so this one is pretty dirty, but listen to it while workin' it on the elliptical and you'll get it)

5. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

6. Hey Ya - Outkast

7. Forever - Chris Brown

8. Amazing - Kanye West

9. Sweet Dreams - Beyonce

10. Weapon of Choice - Fatboy Slim

10. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings

Typically hip hop isn't my thing, but today it's really hitting the spot.

(Seriously...listen to these songs. They'll turn your day around.)

I know this is irreverent, but

I got divorced today. And this is how I felt about it:

Basically, happy. It's a good day. I'm a free woman and it feels great. I was jittery this morning, and it's been weighing on me pretty heavily all weekend, but it went very smoothly and now that it's done, the sky's the limit for my life.

Now I think I'll go pop open the bottle of champagne I've been saving for this day.

Walking

Six years ago, God gave me a theme. A mission. A message.

Here it is: hope. This is the purpose of my life, the song of my heart.

A few weeks ago I saw an image in my mind to describe what is happening in my life. I was walking down a wooded path, and lining the way there were crowds of people grasping at me, trying to hurt me. They shouted and threw things at me. But every stone or insult they threw missed me because there was a barrier surrounding me. They couldn't see it but I could feel it, and see it. It was like a light in the valley of the shadow of death--I shone, and could not be touched. They weren't aware of my protection, and so they kept trying to hit me, but I knew that all I had to do was keep walking the path with my eyes fixed ahead, and no harm would come to me.

I have such joy, and such assurance of my future. "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." I know this to be true: hope in him does not disappoint.

Observe the process

Three months have passed, and I so furiously want to be okay; healed; whole. And yet I find myself going through life with a gaping hole in my stomach. Bleeding out.

I am walking wounded.

Grief, as we've all heard, comes in stages. Denial is first, followed immediately by anger. Sure enough, I spent the past few months thinking I was relatively okay; this was hard, sure, but I was already feeling so much better! I was praised for being "strong" and for having such a wise perspective. But now I've turned a corner and, as the stages predicted, I am livid. I am beyond angry--I am a tornado, a hurricane. I could stand on the edge of a canyon and scream and my fury could fill the gap and still not be exhausted. I have been wronged. I have been abused. I have been deceived by the very person I trusted most.

Each day I awake to a new kind of life, a new freedom, and yet each day brings a more searing rage than the one before. Each step toward new life makes me more fully aware of the wrong that has been done to me. As the numbness wears off, I experience both agony and joy. No moment is tame or safe; it's either exquisite or excruciating.

According to the literature, the next steps are bargaining, depression, and acceptance. That makes sense but frankly, I'd rather just skip to the end. That's the point when you realize that you can't change the circumstance, and you come to terms with it. So why do I have to go through two more steps to get there? I want to be better now, damnit! He doesn't deserve my grief, the lowlife! And yet, this is where I am. Stage two. Anger. I can't rush it, I can't control it, I can only observe the process and try to learn as I go. I can't promise to do this gracefully but I am hanging onto the hope that one day this will be done, and I will begin to feel like a normal person again.

Soul photos

Let's remember...

Guess what?

I like myself.

I am strong. I'm making it through this hellishly awful part of my life, and I'm holding my head high. These photos remind me of the person I really am. I don't have to identify with any of the lies I've been told, or lose myself in another person's twisted view of me anymore. It's just...good. Hard, but good.

There is still joy. There is ALWAYS joy.

Can I just say this?

Women are just as capable of being effective in ministry as men. And in my opinion there is very little biblical grounds for excluding women from church leadership. And I am shocked that so many evangelical churches still make this distinction. It's complete crap.

I'm pissed in general, and this is the thing my pissed-ness is landing on today.

It's also landing on Mark Driscoll, for similar reasons...but that happens a lot. Not a fan.

............

I talked to my mom a couple of minutes ago and she said it's like I'm having the longest period of my life--I'll be PMSing for months. So...sorry if I ever yell at you. It probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with a certain person who happens to be in the process of exiting my life as we speak.

I think it's time to shut my mouth now and return to my glass of wine and my meaningless TV show. There is no possible way Dancing With the Stars will ever offend me, and for that I am thankful. ABC, your shallow programming is kind of saving my life right now.

Here is what I have to say:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Seriously. I could probably scream all day and still have some that needed to come out. There's just no possible way to express it all.

It's been a while, blog. I kind of miss you, but you also stress me out a bit with all your pressure to be deep and reflective. And sometimes I just don't have the energy for that, okay? OKAY? Okay. Luckily, today is the last day of my work week and I intend to give myself a hermit weekend with no social time whatsoever, and I'm thinking I may just be able to get myself into the right mental space to write a little about this crazy month. No promises, though.

I am in the palm of His hand.

It's been difficult to reflect lately. Too many days where things are "good" or "fine," or even "happy," bookmarked with days of utter chaos and hurt. I haven't been able to make sense of it in my own mind, much less formulate it into words that would make sense to others. So for now, here's what you should know: I'm living every day as it comes, which means I don't have a very firm grip on my own state of mind. I am very confused, and certainly going through the hardest time of my life. But I am strong, and I am supported by the most amazing group of people on the planet. I am not now, nor will I ever be, a victim. But sometimes life is really stinking hard, and this is one of those times. I appreciate each person who reads this and cares, and I appreciate all those who hold me up when I can hardly stand on my own. Thank you.

Reasons I love going home

1. There is tea, and I can drink it at the kitchen island, just like I used to drink my milk after school growing up.

2. The dog, Ella, stands on her front two paws when she pees. Both back feet in the air.

3. Mom and I can go grocery shopping and have more fun than anyone else would doing something so ordinary.

4. Dad can listen and give hugs and advice without a hint of judgement, no matter what.

5. "The Mountain" (Mt. Rainier) is beautifully powerful and it is the first sight that tells me I'm home.

It's a good place. It heals me minute by minute.

On Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

This poem contains more truth for me today than it did the last time I picked it up.

Indeed, we were born together, and together we shall be forevermore. Linked eternally.

In another chapter of The Prophet (On Love), Kahlil Gibran says that if you choose to live without love "you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears." In other words, love carries with it the extremes of human emotion--the highest highs and the lowest lows.

We joined together with such idealism and boundless love in our hearts. We celebrated our new life, and caught glimpses of a bright future together. We did not know how we would be tested. Marriage was created to be a reflection of the perfect love of God, and yet it must be lived out by people who are so far from that ideal. We are broken. We are selfish. We hurt each other.

As the prophet says, we need each other, but not for every breath. We must give to each other, but not lose ourselves in the process.

There is so much work to do, and the task feels awfully daunting...but today I choose to trust that there are untapped depths of love and grace that will spring from the ground and cover our steps as we journey together.

Not as strong

It took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea,
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me.
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are.

We are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made;
Forged in the fires of human passion,
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage.
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart,
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are.

When you love, you walk on the water--
Just don't stumble on the waves.
We all want to go there somethin' awful,
But to stand there it takes some grace,
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are.

No, we are not as strong
As we think we are.

(Rich Mullins)

Life well lived

I'm looking back on the past few months and wondering how I could have possibly spent so little time doing the things that I know are good for me. Drinking coffee by myself, reading, journaling, exercising, listening to music--these things soothe me and stir my soul. How have I settled so easily into spending my time mindlessly waiting for life to begin, and hoping I won't miss the train?

I think I've gotten tired and discouraged. I've somehow come to believe that the fate of the world, or at least of my immediate world, hinges on my ability to complete a set of tasks, to buy the groceries, to pay the bills on time, to wash the dishes. And though those things certainly need to be done, it is clear to me that my spirit is being smothered under the pressure of an endless "to do" list.

So I've made a decision. From now on, I'm choosing to live my life. To do what I need to do for me.

A few days ago I took a step in the right direction. I went to Rockwood Bakery by myself, just to think and write. I wrote a letter to my youngest brother while listening to Yo-Yo Ma and soaking in the sunlight from outside.

Marc Hafso and Jeff Wirth were there too, and they stopped by my table on their way out the door. We ended up talking about a close friend of mine, whom Jeff also knows, and when I described her as "fantastic," Marc got that oh-so-Marc-ish twinkle in his eye, tilted his head toward me, and said "You're fantastic."

And you know what? I am fantastic. And no matter how much strain there is on my life, or how tired I may be from holding up too much weight, I can not forget who I am. I know that I was made for much greater things than watching Desperate Housewives on my laptop until bedtime; I know that I was created to live brilliantly, to shine, to exude light.

I'm done being dampened, and I'm ready for what comes next.

"In a Graveyard"

Things are weird, but Rufus Wainwright makes everything better. And so do hot showers. The two combined could pretty much soothe any heartache, I believe.

I am blessed.

This is true.

Things that are new and good

1. Josh and I found a counselor and went to our first session. He seems wonderful. He also told us he thinks we're doing okay--but that through this process we can get better and healthier, which is exactly what we're hoping to do. I'm glad we didn't wait 7 years before dealing with these things (the average time a couple waits from the time things get difficult to the time they seek help).

2. I took down the Christmas decorations and I am now in the process of finding places for all of our new stuff from Ikea, antique stores, and The Unified Groove Merchant (most awesome store in Spokane). Our apartment is starting to feel like a home that reflects who we are.

3. Beethoven's 9th Symphony is beautiful. Well...that's not new--it's been around for a couple hundred years. But we went to hear it last night at the Fox and it was gorgeous, and perfectly appropriate for welcoming a new year.

4. I was sick the last few days, which wasn't fun, but it did give me two days off work, which means I essentially have a 5 day weekend. And I'm feeling well enough now that I can be productive and enjoy being home.

5. I'm not making any resolutions this year, because I feel like I'm already working on several things in my life and I don't need to add more to the list.

Lists help me organize my mind. So there you have it. Happy new year, everyone!